My partner Robbie and I knew we wanted to adopt from the moment we got together. We didn’t want to waste any time, and we started the process as soon as we moved into our new home.
We were ever so nervous though; we had no idea if we would be ‘good’ enough to qualify. I remember the initial walk up to register your interest, and we were sweating like mad – Robbie even had a nervous poo (he might kill me for saying that!).
However, as soon as we met our social worker, we could feel her warmth and she put us completely at ease, and it just felt right. We met our social worker on the Wednesday and on the Friday, they asked if they could come and visit us at home. We said, yes, but we had absolutely no furniture, we had just moved in, so the back bedroom was full of stuff. The junk room, we called it. I remember apologising every room that our social worker went into, like, “This isn’t done yet, but it will be done when we bring the baby home”.
We thought we had to make the house perfect, we even cleaned the skirting boards! But we quickly realised that social workers and agencies in general, they’re not there to catch you out, they want you just as much as you want them and they’re genuinely willing to help you. They’ll give you all the pieces to build a puzzle, but it’s up to you to build it. They then help to place the final piece, which for us were our two incredible children, Josh and Samantha.
Before you know it, we received a letter to say we were on to the next stage. We decided to go with a route to adoption called ‘early permanence’, which is where the child is placed in a home at the earliest opportunity by being placed with adopters who are also approved as foster carers. They initially foster the child, and may become their adopters once the court proceedings have concluded.
One reason for choosing this was because we wanted to experience all the firsts. First sleeping through the night, first tooth, even the first solid poo… we wanted to experience it all. However, with early permanence, there is always the potential for the child to go back to the birth parents. This worried us, but after giving it some thought we realised that it’s about the child, not us. We’re there to give the child the best start in life for six or nine months, and after that if they’re back with their birth parents because it’s right for the child then that’s great. It might be the worst case for us, but not for them – and that’s what it’s all about, doing whatever is best for the child.
I remember the initial call from the agency to say they had matched us with a child, it was an amazing moment, but then – like all parenting I’m sure – you quickly start worrying about if you’re ready. You’re wondering if you have enough nappies, even though you’ve got loads of them.
We got our first child within 24 hours of receiving the call. For our second, it took a little longer, but were able to meet her birth mother which was a very special experience. I still remember the day we had our final contact with the birth mother, we gave her a keepsake box with the baby’s dummy, a baby grow, a lock of hair and we even poured her bubble bath in there so she could smell her. I remember hugging the birth mother and birth grandma and you could tell just how much they loved the baby.
That’s the biggest thing I would always say to someone, the biggest misconception people have about adoption – birth parents will always love the children. They just can’t look after them. And that’s as simple as it is. We’re thankful that we could meet Samantha’s birth mother, as now, we can paint a picture of her for Samantha and explain the circumstances of the situation to her.
Reflecting on our adoption journey, it’s moments like these that stick with you and build you as a family – you don’t remember the countless forms that you have to fill and the documents that you have to provide. It’s not a straightforward journey, but it all gets swept away when you see your kid for the first time. The love we felt when we met our children, you can’t describe it and, in that moment, it all seems worth it, and it truly is.
It may sound cheesy, but for us your adoption journey is similar to a car journey. Your social workers are like the sat nav, they give you a map to help you along your journey. But like any journey, there’ll be detours, bumps in the road or probably a road closure! And if there are kids in the back, probably some spillages and chaos! But that’s what it’s all about and we wouldn’t have it any other way.
It’s a journey we’ve done twice now, and to anyone that may be considering this path, I’d urge you to take the leap. Pick up the phone. Taking the first step in the process, will always be the hardest part. Don’t wait for things to be ‘perfect’ because chances are they never will be. But as long as you can give them a loving home, then you’re good to go!
Steven is supporting a new You Can Adopt campaign, The Journey, to inspire people to take the first step towards growing their family. Find out more about starting your adoption journey at youcanadopt.co.uk/thejourney and via the hashtag #YouCanAdopt.
